then comes baby

camila's newborn survival kit.

Sat, 18 May 2013 02:18:36 -0400

A couple disclaimers: This isn’t a comprehensive list, but I didn’t want to include links to my boobs or anything. And I swear I’m not selling you stuff (you can tell I’m so far away from being savvy enough to make money from this blog).

This is just a short list of items Camila loved as a newborn- which means we loved them even more- AND that we also found to be very fairly priced. It’s in no means a comprehensive list of things you should rush out to buy.

Summer Infant SwaddleMe fleece swaddlers: I’m not sure what I would have paid for an easy hook and loop swaddle what helped Camila sleep like a dream nearly every single night… maybe, like five time what we paid? Or is a sleeping newborn considered priceless?

Phillips Avent Soothie pacifiers: I used to hate pacifiers. Didn’t like the sight of them, and especially didn’t see the need if we were going to be “really good parents who didn’t let their baby cry” or some crap like that. Fast forward, like, a few days into our parenting gig. If you’re going to give your child a pacifier, these one-piece pacis are easiest to clean (because you know your floors aren’t pristine).

Fisher Price Bouncer: This is the one we have, although I’m sure most bouncers under $40 would have worked just as well. We used this thing all day long for naps, for when I was in the shower, for entertaining her, for her first source of baby toy music. It contained her, it let her sleep, it let her play. And she’s still using it daily.

Infantino Breathe Vented Carrier: Are there better carriers out there? More ergonomic, more comfortable, more supportive for babies? Sure. But this one was $20, could be put on with one hand, is of great quality, not bulky, and a great introduction to carriers for people who aren’t sure if they want to splurge on a Ergo yet. We used it all the time when Camila was between 8-12lbs (we have another one that we use more now that she’s bigger and needs better support).

Medela Harmony manual breastpump: I don’t have a picture of this in use because no. But I picked this up before Hawaii to have a transportable pump (and I got it half off, for $17), hoping it’d do the trick. And guess what? It works as well as my $300 double electric. Not recommended for everyday use or working moms, but it’s great in a pinch.

As for clothes? Gowns for the young newborns, stretchy knit sleepers that zip or have magnet closures (ain’t nobody got time for snaps), BabyLegs newborn leg warmers, pants with attached feet (pants + socks = win), cute and warm jackets and hats if you have a winter baby (they’ll get a lot of use).

The list is short because newborns honestly don’t need much at all. Next time around, though, we might splurge a little on items that weren’t necessary but might help out a little… an infant car seat (we have a great convertible car seat, but it’s not transportable) and one of those enviably trendy looking Mamaroo bouncer things. That last thing is pricey, but I’m pretty sure there were days I’d have sold my soul to get the baby to sleep an extra hour, so $200 is like nothing, right?

Forgot one: 23 weeks. ;)

Thu, 16 May 2013 20:42:01 -0400

Forgot one: 23 weeks. ;)

when the donor milk runs dry.

Thu, 16 May 2013 10:00:27 -0400

We knew that donor milk would be a very temporary and non-stable solution to fattening up the baby with an exclusive breast milk diet. We were given about 250oz, which sounds and visibly looks like a lot of milk. But since we were supplementing entirely with breast milk, as opposed to stretching out our stash with formula added in, it was gone within two weeks.

I’m so entirely grateful for those two weeks. Camila digested the milk really well, that much was obvious. She went from only 5-6 slightly wet diapers during the day and a full night with a dry diaper (while supplementing with the same amount of formula), to fully saturated diapers after every feeding and needing an extra liner at night- a total of 9 wet &/or dirty diapers a day! That’s awesome. It felt really good to be able to “flush out” her system.

But honestly, that time was more beneficial for me. It gave me time to come to terms with supplementing with formula. I know I initially proposed formula after all of our problems with breastfeeding, but I wasn’t comfortable offering more than 2-4oz a day. When the pediatrician and the lactation consultants all urged for 1oz after every feeding, then 2oz, I felt everything slipping out of my hands. Whether I let her go hungry or let her have 18+oz of formula a day, I felt like a bad mother. I felt judged.

I know what I need to do now, and I’m okay with it. I have just one bottle of expressed breast milk left- a bottle I pumped myself a few months ago. After that, I will be supplementing with formula with every nursing, probably for many months to come.

I have started to view formula more like I would vitamins: it’s not a natural food source in and of itself, but it gives the body necessary, beneficial nutrition. My baby likes the taste, her body doesn’t react poorly to it, and personally, I have no ethical concerns with the formula company we buy from.

I’ll continue breastfeeding for every feeding night and day until I know for sure my supply has ran completely dry. I don’t know if that will be a week or a year, but it doesn’t matter so much to me anymore. What I’m not going to do is spend more of our money on galactagogues that have no affect on my supply, waste more time stressing about how to feed the baby, nor hand express until my breasts are bruised (which, yes, has been happening frequently these days). It doesn’t work, and it doesn’t get my baby fed.

I’m determined to keep looking at the overall picture. Camila is such a happy, vibrant, strong, active little baby. She’ll likely always be underweight on the charts, but that’s her normal.

And this is our normal. It wasn’t at all what I thought feeding my baby would look like, but it’s what works for us.

Dada naps; so serious; so silly; passed out in the middle of...

Wed, 15 May 2013 20:21:00 -0400

Dada naps; so serious; so silly; passed out in the middle of playtime. 23 weeks. Smiley in the morning; smiley in the evening; smiley in the basket. 24 weeks.

indiana hb 1135 - the midwifery bill now signed into law

Sat, 11 May 2013 01:24:35 -0400

indiana hb 1135 - the midwifery bill now signed into law:

Indiana House Bill HB 1135: Midwives. Requires the local health officer to make a permanent record of the person in attendance at a birth and the location of the birth. Includes complications resulting from a home delivery in the definition of “birth problems” for purposes of the birth problems registry. Requires the state department of health to adopt rules to establish reporting requirements regarding birth problems for home deliveries. Establishes the midwifery committee to provide information and recommendations to the medical licensing board (board) concerning the practice of midwifery by a certified direct entry midwife (CDEM). Provides requirements that an applicant must meet before the board may issue a certificate for a CDEM. Provides for the issuance of certificates beginning January 1, 2014, and sets qualifications. Requires the board to: (1) establish continuing education requirements; (2) develop peer review procedures; and (3) adopt certain rules concerning the competent practice of a CDEM. Requires a physician to examine a client of a CDEM at least one time during the client’s first trimester and one time during the client’s third trimester. Requires a CDEM to collaborate with a physician. Allows a CDEM to administer certain prescription drugs only under a physician’s protocol or order. Establishes a Class D felony for practicing midwifery without a certificate. Adds culpability standards to the crimes of practicing medicine or osteopathic medicine and acting as a physician assistant without a license. Requires certain information to be reported to the health finance commission. Makes technical and conforming changes..

May 10, 2013- The state of Indiana has, after 20+ years, legalized certified midwifes. I first wrote about this journey when the current bill was introduced months ago. Since then, it has passed multiple committees and the house and senate before the governor signed it into law today. Indiana is the 28th American state to legalize and regulate midwifery, a win for everyone involved.

The amazing midwife apprentice who assisted my certified nurse midwife (who has always legally been in practice) will directly benefit from this law being passed, and I have no doubt countless other families in Indiana will benefit from her future services. We’re thrilled!

Because my husband is obsessed with babywearing (basically, a better mom than I am) and routinely...

Wed, 08 May 2013 00:21:48 -0400

Because my husband is obsessed with babywearing (basically, a better mom than I am) and routinely takes walks around the village to show off baby (and/or make all the girls go “awww”), I’ll ask his question here. He want to know “the kind of carrier you can just put on and pop the baby in”.

I have no idea what this means because I thought the two carriers I bought last year are simple enough (a very cheap Infantino carrier for lightweight babies and a more ergonomic one from Lillebaby with multiple positioning options). I’ve done a little research, especially with the forward-facing controversy, but wanted to know what you thought.

Anyone want to chime in?

& what happens when your baby get other mommy milk.

Mon, 06 May 2013 14:32:20 -0400

I truly never thought I would be gifted with something so absolutely priceless. And from multiple families- that’s just… I’ve had some tears. I mean, if someone asked for the remaining three little bags of expressed breast milk I pumped months ago for Camila, I’d have to be assured they were raising the next Christ Child. And I’d still charge them. Not $5 an ounce, either! It’d be at least $500.

And I never thought the benefits would go much beyond the physical advantages that breast milk gives Camila. It’s been obvious that she’s better off for it, but I’ve been changed because of this. Absolutely I know I have.

I liken it a bit to the blood donation process. I think more people would donate blood if there were faces behind their efforts. And maybe receiving blood in crisis or surgery would be more emotionally pulling if one could meet the people who donated. I got to meet the moms who pumped more than they needed to, who donated milk to help my child thrive. Got to shake their hands, got to meet their own sweet children, got to introduce them to my own baby. If their repeated claims of “feeling fortunate just to help out” are any measure, I don’t honestly know who felt more rewarded.

I feel like, for the first time, I’m connected in a genuine and positive way to the whole “mommy community”. (I totally know I am one of them, but) for the most part, random anonymous moms I’ve encountered have bewildered, intimidated, and/or disgusted me. They’ve bickered too much, been far too judgmental and sanctimonious for me to put up with, and made me roll my eyes to the point of pain. But every single mom who donated their child’s expiring, non-usable or extra breast milk to my daughter has me feeling a googly eyed in love with just how generous, selfless, and connected we are as mothers. Seriously, kumbaya.

Sometimes, I do feel a bit guilty that my baby has this sudden chance to return to an exclusive breast milk diet, and we paid nothing for it. And guilty that milk banks prioritize their milk toward sick, premature infants, and my girl is already five months old and receiving donor milk.

But then I remember the endless amount of time and work and research that both Jeremy and I have put into feeding her the last few months and the ever accumulating costs of galactogogues, breast pumps and new flanges and membranes, the SNS, and everything else bought in hopes of increasing my supply. I can’t say we’ve earned free milk, but we’ve earned the right to ask willing donors without feeling any guilt. We’ve done everything on our end.

And most important of all, Camila is our baby and we are entrusted to do everything we can to provide her with the best nutrition. She can’t meet her needs herself. We are her advocates. We are responsible for her. And we would do anything to ensure proper development and growth, including asking for donated breast milk. I don’t suppose we’ll ever regret asking for help in this situation. Honestly, my only regret is not being able to help other moms in this way.

The weather has been so pleasant here the last few days- spring...

Fri, 03 May 2013 23:34:19 -0400

The weather has been so pleasant here the last few days- spring finally feels like it has arrived. One evening this week, Jeremy and I took a stroll for dinner. The guy who took our order was so outgoing and friendly and randomly asked us if we knew of any smoothie places nearby. Well, of course we do! We felt bad that he was stuck inside a restaurant all night, so we definitely had to go bring him back a fresh smoothie. Good deed: check.

We kept walking until we arrived at a nearby park. Camila is definitely way too little to play on playground equipment, but her mom isn’t ;) Here we are having a little fun introducing her to the swings (my fave) and bouncy rockers! Something tells me I’m going to have a very legit reason to visit the park all the time in the future!

Spoon thief (with attitude); Monday morning smiles; Facetiming...

Thu, 02 May 2013 01:12:11 -0400

Spoon thief (with attitude); Monday morning smiles; Facetiming with Dada; weirdo faces; carseat time (such long hair!); gearing up for the NFL open tryouts; sweet sleeper; Dada’s glasses (total librarian look); first taste of the donor milk (“uh… mom?”) (she liked it). 22 weeks.

the story of how my baby got "other mommy milk".

Wed, 01 May 2013 01:40:38 -0400

I always thought the term “mommy milk” was kind of cheesy, but here we are. I’ve got a few drops to give Camila of my mommy milk, plenty of canisters of the artificial stuff, and now bags upon bags of donated liquid GOOOOOLLDDD!!! (You gotta say it like you’re a soccer announcer)

This came about during a whirlwind of a week… you may have caught wind in the minor insanity going on inside my head in my last breastfeeding posts. Partially it was because no one likes to think that they’re starving their baby (Have you seen my girl’s scrawny little arms? I’ve seen newborns who could give Camila a fair fight). And partially it was because I was needing these once again. Lucky me, right?

But that stupid hormonal shitstorm yielded something truly remarkable. Jeremy, for the first time in years, reactivated his Facebook account so he could plead with the kind ladies of Human Milk 4 Human Babies to donate us some of their liquid gold. Okay, so I might have first pleaded with him (“Look at this story- this doula wants milk for a newborn baby whose mother is in a coma! How can I compete?”) to post on Camila’s behalf. And what would you know? Ladies like dads who like their babies.

Guys, there might not be anything more awkwardly awesome than conversing with strangers about taking their breast milk off their hands. “So, do you, like, um, shoot up a bunch of drugs regularly? Chain smoke? HIV? STDs?” Jeremy just kind of stared at me for five minutes when I told him to HAD to ask these kinds of questions.

One delightful mom told me she was born in Germany, and that a milk bank denied her request to be a donor for that reason. I was kind of going cross-eyed, wondering how German mommies fed their German infants. Are little American babes picky about sauerkraut and bratwurst flavored milk? Haha, I kid, I kid (I know of at least one mom living in Germany who reads this blog- shoutout!)

Another sweetheart of a lady was telling me her newborn has way more milk than he’ll ever need and would like to provide milk on an ongoing basis. I was cringing, thinking to myself, “Oh, you just wait. You think your supply will never decrease right now…” But then I heard how much she actually had in her freezer stockpile (this woman could be a prepper gearing up for a breastfeeding apocalypse), so I agreed to take some now if she would hold back a more than a comfortable amount for her own kiddo.

Then there’s the Moby Dick of milk donors, a woman who lives in another state but offered 250oz (for my daughter, that’s enough to supplement for two whole weeks)! We’ve yet to actually get her to respond, though, after her first offer.

Sometimes, I feel a bit guilty that my baby has this sudden chance to return to an exclusive breast milk diet, and we paid nothing for it. And guilty knowing that milk banks prioritize their milk toward sick, premature infants, and my girl is already five month old and receiving donor milk.

But then I remember the endless amount of work that both Jeremy and I have put into feeding her the last few months and the ever accumulating costs of galactogogues, breast pumps and new flanges and membranes, the SNS, and everything else bought in hopes of increasing my supply. I can’t say we’ve earned free milk, but we’ve earned the right to ask willing donors without feeling any guilt. We’ve done everything on our end.

And most important of all, Camila is our baby and we are entrusted to do everything we can to provide her with the best nutrition. We are her advocates. We are responsible for her. And we would do anything to ensure proper development and growth, including asking for donated breast milk.

Then my only regret becomes not asking sooner, before weekly weight checks were required or before we worried about developmental delays.

Milk sharing definitely isn’t for everyone, and it isn’t without risks. Because I would feel incredible uncomfortable posting all this emotional goodness involved in mother-to-mother milk donation without linking you up, so here you go:

*General guidelines on becoming a milk donor (regardless of formal milk banking or informal milk sharing): https://www.hmbana.org/donate-milk

*Mothers nursing babies under 6 months ought to be especially careful about donating milk. You baby and his/her present AND future needs should take priority. Here is this donor’s story: http://www.llli.org/nb/nbjulaug08p13.html

*This page on donation etiquette is so important to keep in mind during and after the process: http://milkshare.birthingforlife.com/donationetiquette

*I’m a big NPR fan, and was delighted to hear another of their non-biased news segments on milk sharing: http://www.npr.org/2011/01/24/133110199/moms-who-cant-nurse-find-milk-donors-online

*Another simple article for the general public: http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/health/2010-04-07-breastmilk07_ST_N.htm

so, pcos and breastfeeding don't mix well.

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 11:12:52 -0400

I have been more forthcoming about my history of PCOS back when we were trying to conceive because my condition was more obvious to us and to doctors. In particular, I was on two different medications to induce my cycle before ultimately needing to go on Clomid to conceive. I’ve stayed on one of those medications, Metformin, for years now. I briefly weaned from it just before Camila was born, but resumed because my body was telling me I needed it. Metformin has also been shown to have modest positive implications for breastfeeding.

I thought that was the extent of it. Whatever annoying symptoms of PCOS, whatever future problems we may encounter in trying to conceive, can all be dealt with by continuing Met, avoiding hormonal birth control, and discussing Clomid early in the TTC period. So, I kind of stopped talking about PCOS. Never mentioned it to Camila’s pediatrician and never discussed it with lactation consultants.

But as you know, I’ve been doing a lot of breastfeeding troubleshooting lately. And time and time again, I came across a reason for low milk supply: PCOS. I don’t want to blame my condition for all my breastfeeding problems, but I can’t ignore the fact that I suffer from hormonal imbalances, and a hormonal imbalance could be the reason I’m not producing what Camila needs to sustain healthy growth.

In fact, after running through the checklist of EVERYTHING I could be doing to help produce more breast milk (herbal and food galactogogues, staying well hydrated, hand compressions, pumping, pump maintenance, frequent feeding, etc etc etc), I’m nearing the conclusion that not only is PCOS still a major pain in my ass, it’s not doing any good for my daughter, either.

I don’t know what to do about that. PCOS is treatable but not curable; that’s why I always refer to it as a condition. Like I’ve said, I’m on a high dosage of the most effective medication to treat the symptoms of PCOS. I made a number of dietary changes and stuck with most of them over the years (no fast food, less processed food, less soy, more organic, switched to all whole wheat, etc). And to be blunt, my breasts never changed size in pregnancy, and they’re definitely not much larger now (for what it’s worth, an LC told me I could be looked at for having low mammary tissue, signs of Insufficient Glandular Tissue, which goes hand in hand with low milk production).

Again, I hate to sound like I’m making excuses for having problems breastfeeding, but I know now the issue isn’t with “user error”. I’ve done everything, am doing everything I can. Knowing that an ongoing condition is behind my low milk supply isn’t making anything easier.

Although PCOS isn’t uncommon, only a third of women with the condition suffer from low milk supply. I’m not into self-diagnosing, and I’d admonish you not to, either. Some links for you to discuss with your heath care providers and lactation consultants:

http://www.lalecheleague.org/llleaderweb/lv/lvaprmay05p27.html

http://kellymom.com/bf/concerns/mother/pcos/

http://www.mobimotherhood.org/mm/article-pcos.aspx

http://www.breastfeed.com/breastfeeding-problems/illness/breastfeeding-pcos

https://www.breastfeeding.asn.au/bfinfo/polycystic-ovarian-syndrome-and-breastfeeding

http://kellymom.com/bf/got-milk/supply-worries/insufficient-glandular-tissue/

http://gotpcos.wordpress.com/tag/igt/

time to chub up...

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 20:24:24 -0400

This baby’s got herself some donor milk!

the neverending "troubles with breastfeeding" saga: part 5.

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 01:51:00 -0400

I’m sure you guys are tired of hearing me stress about breastfeeding, but this nightmare of a battle isn’t ending. It’s just getting more complicated, if that’s even possible. Bottom line, as much as I have hated how difficult breastfeeding was and is, the alternative sucks even more for us (formula). We have to keep trying.

Camila went in for a weight check at 5 months and again one week later (today). At five months, she weighed 12 pounds (6 ounces gained in one month, under the 3rd percentile). One week later, after having put into place our supplementation plan of roughly 12oz a day of formula, she still had only gained 2 ounces (then we came home, and I changed a dirty diaper). Our pediatrician said it was imperative that she receive more calories, less it affect her development in a negative way. I can handle having a small baby, but I don’t think I could handle knowing I’m to blame for any delayed development.

I took her to a drop-in clinic to see an IBCLC and another lactation consultant/La Leche League leader, both of whom Camila has met with twice before. She was weighed just before a feeding.

The LC watched Camila feeding, and immediately noted she was latched well and sucking vigorously and well. My position was good, my hand compressions were good. But every time Camila would pull away (my let down has always been slow, so she often pulls away in the beginning, unless I pump first), the LC would remark that we should be seeing at least a little milk in the nipple shield. I have never noticed milk pooling in the shield, to be honest.

I have started taking the shield away again during feedings, and Camila very surprisingly has been able to latch on and stay latched for minutes at a time. I fed her almost entirely without the shield for the next 15 minutes or so, both sides, continuing hand compressions.

During that time, I gave her the general rundown of how things had been going for us, how Camila’s wet diapers are getting less frequent and less wet, and how we had started supplementing 1oz after every feeding. I shared my history of polycystic ovarian syndrome to see if there could be a link. To my total shock, she said this is a clear case of low milk supply and was likely due to my hormonal condition (the PCOS is hormonal). Not improper latch, not nursing too infrequently, not a distracted infant, not anything “user-error” related at all, really. Which still doesn’t make me feel any better.

Oh, you know what really really didn’t make me feel better? Her weight after nursing- it showed that 20 minutes of nursing yielded a .4oz of breast milk intake. Seriously?! (I will be trying this weigh-nurse-weigh test again on a different scale in the morning for hopefully more reassuring results.)

The IBCLC urged me to supplement Camila with 2oz of formula instead of 1, and the pediatrician fully supports that request. I’m facing this huge mental block, one that is prohibiting me from accepting the need to supplement at all, much less supplement up to 24oz a day. Denial? Fear? Depression? It’s something. I AM supplementing and will continue to, but I’m miserable about it.

In the meantime, I have these options, discussed with Jeremy and I by both the LC and the ped:

Donor milk. It’s an option I would be thrilled with, but we would have to totally rely on the goodness and selflessness of strangers. We can’t afford the $4-5/ounce price of pasteurized milk from milk banks (12oz a day would be the minimum we’d need to stop supplementing, and that would be a minimum of $48/day or $336/week); they also give priority to premature or sick babies. So, milk sharing from a donor or donors. A temporary, non-stable way to supplement, but it’d be a dream for Camila to receive more breast milk.
Supplementing Nursing System. An SNS is a device that allows the baby to nurse while simultaneously getting supplement through a syringe. This way, the breast are still stimulated and the baby is nourished. We’re already nursing at the breast then supplementing with a bottle, so it’s not much different, but it’s a valid option. And the LC and LLL leader both said they’d do whatever they could to help baby and me to adapt to an SNS (they can be very tricky to use).
Prescription medication. Yeah, I know. Sounds awesome. But I’m 100% not a candidate for Reglan, the one medication approved for use in the US. Anyone with a history of mental illness or depression should keep away. The other medication has an off-label use (meaning it’s not intended for increasing breast milk supply) and isn’t available here in the US unless you bring a prescription to a compounding pharmacy. Possible but unlikely given that my pediatrician and LC are not in communication with my doctor that I see, like, never. An easier way to obtain the medication is online from Canada or New Zealand or any other country that isn’t the US, basically. Promise you won’t judge me if in a few weeks I say I got a baggie of pills mailed to me from another country?

I really just hate this. I hate that I feel so powerless in this, so out of control. I hate feeling like I’m harming my daughter when I don’t take the advice of medical and lactation professionals who clearly have more knowledge and experience than me. I hate that I hated breastfeeding so much in the past and now would do anything just to be able to successfully nurse at all. I hate that some pregnant woman could be reading this and doubting their own desire to breastfeed. I hate that my daughter smells like formula. I hate that a formula feeding mom could be reading this and feel guilty for any reason. I hate that I’ve ever heard people say that formula is poison, that I just need to try harder. I hate that I have PCOS, that it has no cure, that I would even blame this mess on that stupid condition to begin with. I hate that Jeremy is suffering. I hate that Camila is doing everything right- dear God, that sweet little baby is doing everything good and right and it’s still not enough because my body is failing her.

Camila’s stroller posture (yes… we do buckle her in...

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 11:43:59 -0400

Camila’s stroller posture (yes… we do buckle her in on rides); hugging her creepy babydoll; hugging her feet; playing with her new Montessori teething ball (it’s not a dog toy, but it is covered in slobber); bath baby gives you her judgey face. 21 weeks.

A quick note so I don’t forget (really just because you know I’m going to unload about...

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 01:06:12 -0400

A quick note so I don’t forget (really just because you know I’m going to unload about my breastfeeding problems again shortly):

—-I went to The Great Cloth Diaper Change 2013 at an Indianapolis location. I even dragged Jeremy along so he could provide ongoing commentary on how nerdy I am. I had to feed Camila while there, but instead of finding a private area, I took a brief look around at all the granola crunchiness happening and realized, “These are my people. These people don’t care how clumsy I am, how poor my posture, how screechy my child is.” So I sat down in the hallway, with dozens of people around, and fed her. And I sat up tall and straight, and Camila was lulled by the noise of the crowd to calmly suck away. First (semi) public nursing since the great Hawaii disaster!

—-I had to take my dad to an appointment at a downtown hospital (IU Health University for you locals). He was there for a few hours, so I had to feed Camila there, too. I asked the front lobby desk where a lactation room or mother’s room or even family bathroom was, but the elderly man immediately said, “No. We don’t have those.” I was like, “Ummm… I’ll go find one, thanks.”

Anyway, I went upstairs to the entrance of the Labor&Delivery Center/Riley Hospital for Children and made a phone call when I found a room that looked like I could feed the baby in. While on the phone, a young man clad in a neon camouflage tshirt and trucker hat motioned toward a hallway where he said there was a nice room with electrical outlets and a sink for me to pump in. At the same time, the woman on the phone emerged from around the corner and led me to yet a different room, a lactation support room (I think used by hospital employees).

I totally spilled my water bottle atop Camila after nursing (like, completely drenched her socks and leggings… she didn’t notice), but I consider it a success. Multiple, well-equipped lactation rooms and a young man showing his aptitude for a breastfeeding mother’s needs? Excellent Monday adventure.

parenting struggles.

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 10:00:28 -0400

A friend recently discussed a parenting struggle of hers on her super cute new blog (about her super cute daughter), and I chimed in with one of mine. I actually think about this all the time and wonder if others can relate.

After the postpartum period passes and a certain rhythm has been established with baby, mothers suddenly seem to possess this boundless energy when caring for their young from sunup to sundown. I’m not talking about the caffeinated kind, although I’m sure that helps. I’m not even talking about the kind of fresh step that getting a good night of sleep brings.

I’m talking about a mental energy, an ability to keep up the pace with a baby that requires every second of your attention and every ounce of your energy. And will be quick to let you know when she needs more. More more more. Now now now. Wah wah whaaahhh!

It’s not that I don’t love being at home with Camila all day. Quite the opposite; I adore seeing her sweet face, observing her ever expanding mind, watching her reach new milestones. It’s the monotony of the routine- the feeding/burping/bouncing/changing/bouncing/feeding/bouncing routine- that never seems to end. It’s the constant decision making- when to change her, before or after feeding her, should I use the bathroom first or wait, am I hungry, is she hungry, at what time did she last eat, do I carry her to get the mail, has the mail come, does she have clean diapers, should I wash her diapers, should I do that before I change her, and so on. It’s absolutely exhausting. And when I look at the clock, it’s only 2pm, and I have another four hours to go.

By the time Jeremy gets home, all I want to do is sit down and forget about everything that happened that day. But then he asks where the diapers are, and I tell him I forgot to switch them to the dryer because I was too busy planning how I would get the mail.

I don’t want to be a lazy parent. That, both the fear and the energy it takes to avoid becoming one, is my greatest struggle as a parent. I want to live intentionally, with passion, and not just go through the day minute to minute, task to task, counting down the hours until naptime or until someone else can take over the parenting. I want to be present. I want to be on.

I seem to wake up just a minute before Camila starts fussing in her crib, ready to start her day, and in that minute all I can think of is how I’m going to get my baby to smile today. Sometimes I don’t get any smiles until long into the day. Sometimes, I only get a couple all day. They’re worth it, though, seeing her happy, knowing that I’m the reason why.

I once heard the phrase “the days are long but the years are short” said about parenting, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard more true a saying. It’s kind of the opposite for children, whose bedtimes come way too early for them but whose birthdays seem like eons into the future.

For us, the new parents, it’s the days that drag on. But those years, they’re gone before you would know it, I’m told, and suddenly you’re staring at a picture of your child from her newborn days and wondering how her head was ever so tiny, her little toes ever so curled. And then you realize that it’s because all those days that dragged on, all the ones in which you wondered if the clock was playing tricks on you as your baby wakes up from what felt like the shortest ever nap and starts crying for which you will drain your last bit of energy in an attempt to pacify her, it’s those days that added up to bring you to the point you are now. And you LOVE the point you’re at, even if you’re so totally mentally exhausted that you still haven’t remembered to get the laundry.

So… what’s your parenting struggle?

camila: month five.

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 10:00:27 -0400

Physical

You are looking more and more like a tiny human and less like a newborn baby every day! Everyone comments on your expressive eyes and eyebrows and how responsive you are to stimuli around you.

The other thing they (continue to) comment on is your hair. It keeps growing, both straight up in the air and down past your neck and over your eyelashes! It has also lightened up considerably since birth.

Your pediatrician wanted you to get a weight check in between appointments, so at five months, you weighed exactly 12 pounds. Despite being under the 3rd percentile in weight now, you appear very healthy and happy. Some babies just have to be small!

You had your first bout of sickness, which came and went rather quickly with very little disruption in your schedule. Just one evening with a fever and one night of poor sleep. Plus a few days of being irritable, but we forgive you! Just SO glad you were able to fight off really getting ill.

Developmental

This is the first month we’ve noticed you becoming acutely aware of your surroundings. Your eyesight and your attention span have sharpened, and you have become very interested in the world around you. This is really the first month where we’ve had to stop every single day and exclaim at how fast you’re learning.

We started noticing just how much attention you actually had been paying to your toys since birth. Before, you would just casually look at them, maybe touch them if held right in front of your hands. Now, whenever we show you a toy that you’ve previously seen, you’re all about getting your fists around it. We’re rather impressed by how you can simultaneously use both hands to manipulate objects, both new and old.

The most impressive trick, in my opinion, came early this month- you took your pacifier out of your mouth (which you were doing by three months) and put it into MY mouth! Over and over. It was pretty remarkable, how you could accurately maneuver the object. On a fine motor skill level, you also like to use your little fingers to manipulate your pacifier by twirling it in front of your face.

I do tummy time with you every day. You like it better now because you’re strong enough to keep your head and upper chest off the ground without tiring (at least, for a couple minutes at a time). You have great neck control now, turning your head from side to side while keeping your upper body lifted. You don’t always enjoy rolling over, but about halfway through the month you started rolling over like crazy, much more quickly and easily than last month.

You are starting to kick your legs and use my hands as a “push board” to propel forward. This is a precursor to crawling! I’m just as interested in helping you to sit unassisted, but you don’t really seem to get it yet. You LOVE standing up though! You are so strong; all it takes it a couple of our fingers, and you’ll pull from laying all the way to standing in a second.

Personality

You are a silly little sweetheart. Goofy and adorable. You do funny things every day, especially now that you can interact with your environment.

You’ve suddenly become capable of showing bashfulness. You used to do these huge, open-mouthed, gummy grins, and while you still do, you often immediately hide your face by turning away or lowering your chin. It’s adorable. And you’ve also taken to close-mouthed smiling, which is just as sweet. It honestly does look like you’re being bashful.

I hate to mention it, but about halfway through the month, you became a rather fussy little child. We thought it was just because you were getting sick (but that passed quickly), then we were afraid you were teething (you probably aren’t), then we figured it was unrestful sleep because of all your rolling over in the nighttime. I don’t know. You certainly don’t whine all day, but you’re clingier and fussier than previous months. Someone just likes all the attention!

Eating

I still have very mixed feelings about breastfeeding (well, mostly negative), but I remain committed to giving you breast milk for as long as I can. Formula is nice to have on hand to ensure you gain weight at a faster rate, but it isn’t what we ideally want for you.

Your nursing strike ended soon after you turned four months, but you still occasionally fuss at the breast. I get you in a quiet environment, making sure you start out calm, and use the nipple shield to start. I’ve always had supply issues with one side in particular, and no matter what I do, you dislike nursing on that side for very long. I don’t always nurse you on both sides if you seem to be content for a long feeding on a single side (say, more than 20 minutes), but I have to feed you on both sides if I start on the “lazy” side.

I’ve been careful not to stress about supply issues, but this month I truly feel like my supply has gone down. I pump every single morning (and throughout the day), and have since you were born, but my output has been greatly affected. I take fenugreek (3 pills 3x a day), eat oatmeal (even though I’ve grown to hate it), drink tons of water, and use warm compresses. I notice you still seeming hungry after nursing, and I hate it.

We did start using formula this month, but we use it in addition to breast milk, not as a “supplement”. Meaning, if we previously gave you a 2.5oz bottle, now it’s a 4.5oz bottle. You never get more than 4oz a day and almost never more formula in a bottle than breast milk. You’ve never shown any ill effects from formula.

I’m very careful to still pump whenever you get formula so it doesn’t affect my supply. But we’ve had to dig into my freezer stash of milk to have enough for your bottles. I used to have about 60oz stored; now I have about 30oz. This worries me for the future.

We won’t be starting you on solids until at least 6 months; not only is it safer to delay until your digestive system matures, but we need you to be filling your belly with the most nutritionally and calorically dense food- breast milk- until your weight gets back on track.

Sleeping

Lots of updates here- length of sleep, where you sleep, number of times you awoke in the night to nurse, bedtime, swaddling.

We started replacing the last feeding before bedtime with a bottle (the aforementioned 2oz formula/2.5+oz breast milk), and that seemed to make all the difference in your length of sleep! You were immediately back on track to about 8 hours before waking.

Right after you were feeding well again, you had a solid 9 hour stretch of sleep. That’s the night we made the decision to switch you to your crib! We did the same diaper/swaddle/feeding routine, making sure the blackout curtains are drawn and all cats are out of the room. I’m very adamant about laying you down drowsy, not asleep, so you’re aware that your crib is a safe place. We’ve actually never had any issues with the transition to the crib, so a major success!

Throughout the next week, you became fairly regular in your sleep cycles and would only wake once to feed. You sleep about 7.5-9 hours, up for a quick nursing session in the darkness of your room (blackout curtains), then sleep another 1.5-3.5 hours. It always evens out to about 11 total hours of nighttime sleep (down about an hour from your newborn days). This has been great.

We also moved your bedtime up an hour, to 11pm. It was easy, and we basically did it in a couple of days. We’ll eventually move it up to 10pm, which I think is ideal for our family and lifestyle.

There was one night this month in which you awoke at 5am and wouldn’t sleep until 8am. Reason? You kept rolling over- in your tight swaddle. No matter what we did (starting with unswaddling you, obviously), you would roll back over onto your tummy and start screaming again. We weren’t sure how to get you to stop rolling so you could sleep!

The good news is I thought having you unswaddled would be second in difficulty only to having you sleep in your crib, but you proved me wrong. You like your new sleep sack (arms free), and you like your crib. We don’t foresee any other major sleep changes in the near future.

Travel

Oh, let’s see here. With the weather warming up, we’ve been able to take you on stroller walks again! Even Grammy and Auntie Rose each took you on a handful of walks each. We took you on tons of shopping trips in your stroller, including a few mall visits. You’ve also been out to eat a few times each week- you have great restaurant manners. :)

Auntie Rose took you on a special play date- she had a girls night in with about a dozen of her friends and two babies (5 & 6 months old), and she took you along! You got to swing in the other baby’s swing (first time ever, and you loved it) and also sit in her Bumbo seat (also a first). It was about 45 minutes away, and she was gone for about 4 hours- a big night for us all!

I took you to visit Rose’s school one afternoon, and you totally got loved on by every teacher there (and Auntie’s kindergarteners, too)! Afterward we visited Grandpa in Greenwood and took him out to lunch.

You ventured down to Greenwood once or twice a week (it’s only a half hour away) and to Hope three times (an hour+ drive). You also went shopping with me in Edinburgh and to work with Daddy one night when he had to return to fix a project. You do better in the car seat during daytime; I think you’re a little afraid of the darkness. I have to sing loudly to you to get you to calm down.

We went on a couple play dates in Indianapolis as well. One was in a park near our house with a nature center. I wasn’t sure you’d enjoy yourself at this age, but you were actually very entertained by the nature viewing window and the other babies (all crawling/walking ages).

Baby loves

You love attention, that much is obvious. If you spot someone looking at you, you’re instantly amused. You even love your own face in the mirror! Haha, you finally started showing your absolute delight at your mirror image- hilarious.

You love standing up and are getting so strong by doing so (or standing as a result of your strength). You love acting like a “big girl” in general, whether it be sitting up at the table at restaurants, sitting in your walker or exersaucer (both in which you’re a few inches away from being able to touch the floor), “reading” books, or facing outward in your carrier (which Dad lets you do when Mama isn’t around).

Mama loves

Watching you make ridiculous faces at yourself in the mirror is honestly one of the most hysterical things I’ve ever seen- definite Youtube gold. You go from smirking to smiling to serious to surprised to sad and back again in the span of seconds. It’s safe to say the mirror is your new favorite toy, and watching you is my new favorite thing.

If it wasn’t already obvious that I would love it, I LOVE your hair. I didn’t realize how cute babies with hair are until I met you. I can’t wait to see how much hair you have in a year!

Dada loves

Daddy immediately listed: stroller walks, warmer weather/not having to dress you in tons of layers, all of your facial expressions, how you play with all your toys, and rolling over. But then he immediately said you rolling over (in your sleep) was his least favorite thing, too.

This child is so ridiculously perfect to me. 20 weeks.

Sun, 21 Apr 2013 10:00:40 -0400

This child is so ridiculously perfect to me. 20 weeks.

At Camila’s five month nurse visit today, she weighed 12 pounds. She’s only gained 6oz...

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 16:29:00 -0400

At Camila’s five month nurse visit today, she weighed 12 pounds. She’s only gained 6oz in 31 days and has fallen under the 3rd percentile, which I never, ever thought would happen.

The doctor was brought in to discuss a plan for the future, and she really made me feel better about everything. I unloaded on her about my recent frustration with the “breastfeeding community” (used very loosely), and she echoed what Jeremy said- ignore the criticism, the badgering, the pushiness, the insensitivity. And no one has any business offering their advice for my situation unless I specifically ask for it. She said by all means continue breastfeeding as much as possible, but that pumping and galactogogue use should only help serve my goals.

I don’t know what exactly I’m feeling right now (disappointed? a little numb?), but I know Camila is healthy, and that’s what matters. She’s growing in height, sleeps remarkably well, and is developing perfectly.

The big picture tells me that although, yes, my supply seems to have dropped, and that seems to have slowed Camila’s rate of growth, but I can work on boosting my supply to a comfortable point, one that will sustain healthy growth. I will be using more formula in the meantime (an extra ounce of formula after each daytime nursing session) and going in for a weight check in one week to make sure she’s responding to the added calories.

breastfeeding: past the newborn days.

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 08:00:44 -0400

The last time I wrote a post about breastfeeding, it was the beginning of January, and I was only seven weeks into my journey with Camila. I ended that last post on a very positive note (here’s the posts on my start and an update); I had accomplished a lot in those first few weeks and overcome a lot of issues. I left off by saying I was hoping we would grow to love breastfeeding one day.

I’m not sure “one day” has come. I’m still holding out, but the optimism is waning. Lets just say I’m still breastfeeding out of necessity and concern for my child’s health and less because it’s a way Camila and I bond. And certainly not because I enjoy the act.

I won’t go into extreme detail about the last 14 weeks, but here are some highlights, both positive and not so much:

I did learn how to nurse in the ring sling! It never made a big difference, but I wanted to throw out there that I did accomplish my first goal. The lactation consultant at a drop-in clinic helped me out greatly with that.
I also nursed Camila on the plane to and from Hawaii- the first semi-public feedings. They went very well, and she showed no discomfort.
I breastfed or pumped for every feeding (often times, both), and never skipped feedings by supplementing formula. Camila was sleeping over 9 hours some nights, so I wasn’t feeding her during that time (I did usually pump after she went to bed, so I wasn’t going that long without trying to empty my breasts).
I was continuing to pump a bottle for my freezer stash every few days until Camila was about 15 weeks old. To be honest, it was just because I ran out of spare bottles/bags and because giving the Camila bottles of freshly expressed milk on vacation was SO easy that I continued at home from time to time. But! I had about 60oz of frozen milk, plus a couple bottles in the fridge for a long time. That’s why I refused to believe my milk supply was suffering.
About bottle feeding? Camila was a total champ. We were careful about paced feedings, giving her tiny breaks to mimic breastfeeding, and not overfeeding her (her bottles were always between 2.5-4oz), but she simply adored the bottle. And we loved it, too. Dad got to help, mom got to rest, and baby didn’t scream, ever.
Not exactly a positive, but not negative for us, either: we started using the nipple shield 99.9% of the time. For a few weeks, we quit initiating nursing sessions with it on (only using it when she lost her latch and got frantic without it), but picked the habit back up on vacation. After that, she would never latch without one. Once in a long while, I could slip it off if she was deep in concentration, but I didn’t actively try to not use it. After confirming that she can transfer milk effectively (a lactation consultant weighed her before and after nursing), I stopped worrying as much.
Again, +/-, but formula is working for us. We don’t use much, but when we do, Camila sleeps well, she doesn’t scream or even fuss with the bottle, she seems to like the organic variety we are using, and it’s very convenient. And I feel comfortable knowing I’m not starving her. On the other hand, it smells weird and has a bunch of chemical shit in it. =/
My diet remained relatively healthy, I drank enough water and tried eating more oatmeal (which I only tolerate). I took a handful of vitamins daily, and continued on my regular dosage for Metformin for my PCOS.

Camila took a whole month to get back to her birth weight, so by then, she was down to the nearly the 25th percentile. She held steady for a month, but between two and four months, Camila’s weight gain slowed again, dropping her from just under the 25th to under the 10th percentile.
Nursing in public for the first time in Hawaii was a miserable experience. You can read about my naive experience here. I realized that nursing in public with a nipple shield is really difficult- at home I need both hands to position the shield and lift clothing out of the way. I have no desire to publicly breastfeed Camila again. I realize that’s totally non-progressive, but I was never going to be the poster child for breastfeeding anyway.
As long as I’m being honest, here are a few very trivial things I hated about breastfeeding: wearing breastfeeding-friendly clothing (its hard enough working with my wardrobe postpartum, don’t throw in extra kinks); my posture suffers and I made multiple trips to the chiropractor and masseuse for back pain; staining clothing with milk (rarely happens now because I never leak and don’t have to wear nursing pads any longer); washing nipple shields (we have five, and yet finding a clean one is still a problem).
For a while, Camila was having very green, very frothy diapers. I followed my instincts and stopped nursing her on both sides and instead let her nurse much longer on one side, to get more hindmilk. I know there’s some controversy about foremilk and hindmilk, and no matter what you choose, someone will tell you you’re wrong. I hate not knowing what’s best for my baby.
I noticed myself getting very defensive of the way I feed my baby because I’ve worked hard through difficult times, and I’m surrounded by people who make it seem like this glorious, perfect relationship. I follow a breastfeeding activist group on Facebook that I decided to unfollow; it was doing me more harm than good. I recently asked what I was hoping was a simple question (the dosage for milk thistle), and I never received an answer. Instead, I had moderators questioning my reasons for needing to increase my supply, then questioning my reasons for pumping. And they’re so *nice* about it, which comes across to me with patronizing tones. I know I have a chip on my shoulder, but I would have preferred a straight answer. And, in general, for people to be more accepting of ways to feed a baby that don’t include 100% straight from the breast breastmilk. Or just more accepting of different parenting styles in general. More respect, more support. Less snark, less pushing personal views upon others.
Camila hates my right side. She always has (I was never able to feed her without constant nipple shield use on that side). I expect the milk flow is slow for her, and it’s always been terrible with my electric pump. For weeks, she’s been screaming if I nurse her on that side, but I found out that if I barely touch her and nurse her with a modified football hold (with her laying on pillows next to me), bending way over her, I can use gravity and my hands to massage out milk for her. She loses her latch frequently, but it seems to work better than her screaming the entire time.
She’s not that happy with my left side, either, to be honest. She usually latches well and only comes off the breast a few times, but she rarely seems very satisfied after nursing for long periods of time. I usually have to immediately pop in her pacifier and distract her.
Around the time we started using more bottles of expressed milk (at least one a day), I noticed slight changes in how much milk I was able to pump. I’m afraid I got lazy from time to time with pumping long enough to make up for bottles (plus, pumping isn’t as efficient nor effective as a baby), and Camila was sleeping much longer at night). We have since ceased daytime bottles, and I quit work so she needs even less bottles.
But now, I can now only pump .25-1oz of breast milk, all day. Which isn’t enough for one bottle, let alone a freezer stash. My freezer supply is dwindling, and I know that unless I increase my milk supply, it will be gone in weeks.
I have tried nearly everything I know of to increase my supply, which leads us to the present: I am starting the third round of fenugreek (the first two brands did nothing for me, at 3 capsules 3x a day), I am taking milk thistle, I use hand compressions (especially on my right side), I use warm compresses, I pump throughout the day every day, and this week I started nursing Camila more frequently, and on both sides nearly every time. She’s nursing at least every two hours, and coupled with her fussiness around breastfeeding, it’s like she’s a newborn again.

I’m not sure what my new goals are yet. Breastfeeding is always on my mind, and it’s a source of constant low level stress. I’ve given up the “magical bond” dreams and started getting realistic about what to do to save myself from having to wean Camila too early. As much as I dislike breastfeeding, and as much as Camila prefers bottles to breast, I do not want to wean her.

I’m far past feeling any sort of guilt for where we’re at. Guilty would have been if I had given up before exhausting every last option, and I haven’t done that yet. So I’m not giving up.

However, I am absolutely NOT willing to let her drop off her growth curve again or worse, fail to gain weight. Formula will have to continue being an option for us. I know I have to tune out the voices that say there’s only one right way of raising a baby, and start thinking about what’s best for this situation. I’m not failing. I’m not failing myself nor my commitment to being loving and present while nourishing my sweet baby.

She goes in for a five month weight check today. One month ago, she was just below the 10th percentile at 11lb, 10oz (still using WHO charts for breastfed babies). I know 12lbs would be under the 3rd percentile, 13.5lbs at the 15th percentile. I’m trying not to set myself up for disappointment, nor pay too much attention to specific numbers, but I really hope we hear good news. This mama needs it.